Do I see the end of a relationship that I initially thought to last a million years? It's amusing to an extent on how we blind ourselves with impossible dreams. Some things are meant to be, as Elvis Presley says in his song Can't Help Falling in Love with You. And like that very title says, we cannot help human nature. It blinds us to these temporary pleasures of life. Would it be wrong to claim those very pleasure in life to be the essence of a fulfilled life? I feel depressed and extremely empty inside. My emotions are bursting at the seams, but I don't have the time to do that just yet. I imagine what he might be doing. Getting crazy with that crazy American woman. She is the antitheses of who I am. I can remember how much fun he had, and I envied that he couldn't even demonstrate that kind of fun with me. It's both hurtful and insulting, as I have mentioned already. I wonder what they must be doing now. Could they be groping each other? Could she be using her disgusting devil charms to lure him? I have been contemplating if the end is near for us. It is bad luck to even think of it, but tonight has really made me consider it. I am absolutely devastated by the results of ht internships, and hoping that he would be there to support me when I needed it most, he gives me this stupid excuse for being drunk. I am disgusted and ashamed at him. I am disappointed in him. I've lost nearly all of my respect for him. I want to turn off my phone, but it's my only gateway to friends. I don't want to talk to him anymore. I just want to run away somewhere where I am free from these strings tying me down. He pulls me down. He has caused me ache and pain. The kind of pain I've never felt before. While he muses away with some bimbo Americano, I sit here worried of what they might be doing. It disgusts me and scares me. Being in this big city also makes me feel all the more alone. I do feel like no one is really there for me, no one cares for me. I've only got the dog who shows genuine affection to wanting to be by my side.

... Life is cruel.

내가 너무 아파

I feel like the smallest person in the world. I try to scream out loud and yet no one can hear me. I feel like the most isolated person. I am thankful to have met many new friends in this year. Without some other form of support, I think I would feel even more terrible than I already am. I have never felt more blue than today. It's ironic that I should be feeling this down in life when I have just finished my first semester of classes.

Today, I received extremely disappointing news. I did not get into the internship at KNU. I am absolutely disappointed. I have lost a lot of that motivation that pushed me to look for any way to get to Korea. What makes it worse is the current state of my relationship. It seems that HE prefers to get drunk with his American friends rather than chat to me. The way he makes it sound is such a insulting and hurtful remark to me. I am absolutely heartbroken over his poor behaviour and disrespectful attitude. Clearly, he would rather get drunk and flirt with these American folks, particularly an American girl that he used to have a thing for. Do you know how uncomfortable I am with that? I know he has a penchant for American girls. I have no idea what he is up to. He's clearly drunk, I'm sure those American folks are clearly drunk, who knows what will happen.

I have become extremely hollow inside. I placed too much hope on this internship and, hence, I am suffering the consequences. As soon as I read that word that ignited my world freezing for one long second, that "unfortunate" word that made me rejected. I feel like I have been rejected from two people. It really hurts. I can't seem to focus on anything now. It's a critical stage where I need to finish homework. I have many assessments due in the coming weeks. I need to find some time to sit somewhere and think of where I am going in life. Someone give me hope. I'm afraid it's almost about depleted.

Uncertainties

I feel like I'm in a stage where my near future has become so uncertain. There are so many things I want to do, and most of them require having ample amount of money to spend, and places to go. Yet, I know it would illogical to just drop what I'm doing and head off into the great unknown.
Now, my semester is drawing to a close. This will be our second last week of classes, before the exam period starts. Fortunately, I am not plagued with exams, but I do have an large amount of research essays due. My first one is due in two weeks. The cold, dreary weather has been of no help so far. I find myself dreaming away of some uncertain thing and go window shopping for temporary relief. In fact, that's what I plan to do when I go out to the city before attending my class. Anyhow, I've been really lazy and putting off the work I need to do by doing other things. My professor in my International NGOs, Civil Society and Development class, that even though one asks for an extension of, in this case, submitting one's essay, you'd just be extending the suffering. It wouldn't make any difference that you'd just be delaying the finish off your torture. So, I need to find some motivation or thing to keep me running till June. I also need some way to save my money. I've found that I've been struggling to keep apace with my regular saving. I might even take a casual job while I'm on break. Who knows? Life is uncertain. Decisions have to make with the utmost care.
There's still the ongoing application process of that internship I applied at my boyfriend's university back in March. I applied so early for it. I wish they had some clear dates of when accepting of applications would start and finish. I've really made this a long and arduous wait. It would be amazing if I got accepted. The minute I read that e-mail saying that I have been selected for that intern position, I'm going to immediately research on the next possible date that I can go to Sydney, since that's the only nearest Korean consulate/embassy. Strangely enough, Melbourne has no Korean consulate. I wonder how difficult and bothersome it must be for those Koreans living here. Anyhow, I cannot wait to receive that e-mail. Furthermore, I do think that I will be finding out the results by beginning of June since the person in charge at that office had told me that he would be starting the selection process between mid- to end of May. Wow, I can imagine myself being in Daegu again. Imagine myself working there. It might not be the classiest or sophisticated job. But being given six months of improving my Korean, being able to observe Korean society, living in Daegu where prices were just heart-melting. Wow.

Navy blue winter coat

It's been a while since I bought anything really exciting. In a couple or weeks (or even more), I will be expecting my new fabulous, chic winter coat. It is a beautiful, rich navy blue waisted coat, one that will accentuate my waist, giving me a more fuller look. It's not branded or anything so I was able to buy it at a decent price. For the likes of it, I could buy it for double its price in retail. I have seen a few similar-looking coats in shops such as Forever New, but I was pretty sure the coats would have been $150 or more. I'm looking forward to receiving it soon!